Fault in our Stars

Friday night Nicole, Stacy and I went to the movie. We went and saw, FAULT IN OUR STARS.

Such a good, sad movie. The movie is about Cancer. Not a good subject for me. But what happened to me during the movie is what I want to focus on.

I loved the characters in the movie. The main couple is adorable. They create a love story that not many people have in this life. Short and sweet and to the point.

As the movie transpires you could hear sniffles throughout the theater. It went from sniffles to out right sobs. Then I noticed me. Brick wall. Not a tear. I tried to focus on my feelings.

I CAN’T CRY. I JUST CAN’T. IF I DO I WON’T STOP. IF I DO I WILL LET DOWN MY GUARD AND EXPOSE WHAT IS REALLY INSIDE.

I listened to the audience. Obvious of the tender emotions. I handed Stacy a tissue. [actually toilet paper that I had snuck into my purse………………..just in case]

More tears. more coughing to hid the outward sobs. Still not a tear or emotions from me. As the movie came to an end, I could not bear it any longer, and a lump grew in my throat and a tear trickled down my cheek.

I wondered how many , if any, had this disease affected.

This movie rang true to my life. To a relationship soaked in cancer. To living a daily life wondering. Hoping for the best. Praying for a miracle that it will not re-occur.

Damn. This movie made me realize my emotions. Guarded by the brick wall I have built. Protected by my pride.

It has made me wonder if my strength is just concealed fear. Tucked away and buried.

I know that I have been strong throughout this trial. [the trial that never ends] But if my heart is really being honest with me or deceiving me.

Why can’t I show my emotions? Just let them go?

I knew that would not happen in that movie theater. Not there. Not that night.

So as we exited the theater, my words were DUMB MOVIE.

But I LOVED the movie. I felt what they felt. I have not experienced me having it but my best friend. My eternal companion.

I think the show is a MUST SEE. I am grateful that I saw it. So grateful that it opened my eyes, and hopefully in time, open the gate to that brick wall I have built. It is all a work in progress, as all trials and hardships are.